Meat In A Roll

Frial Valencia is the KFC of Bolivia

2009-11-14T12:18:00.000Z

There's so many cliches going on here it's insane. Dusty, worn down shop that Butch Cassisdy and the Sundance Kid probably holed up in at some point, CHICKENS BOXING, no door. I'm surprised they're not actually smoking a cigar whilst punching communists in the face too. MUST EAT HERE.

Coq'hot may have trouble with its branding come international expansion time

2009-11-13T12:14:00.000Z

Might need a name change. Quite liking the mascots though, which include anthropomorphic chicken with beer belly, chicken in bikini, and largely naked bondage chicken with a chain mail mask on his face.

Man, KFC in Eindhoven is in a cathedral

2009-11-12T13:34:00.003Z

Either that or Dutch Google Maps is just wrong. We can't Street View it to find out owing to those silly little European town roads, although even if we could we probably wouldn't bother.

Here's a review of this Gothic branch of the Colonel's finest:

"‪Kentucky Fried Chicken is the leader in fastfood in my opinion, it's meals are way better than McDonalds, which has bad quality of burgers. It's a bit more expensive, but; what you pay is what you get, I prefere the 'Zinger Box'‬‎

'Insightful.'

The Kebab Kid isn't so strong and tough as Milky Bar sibling

2009-11-03T12:58:00.001Z

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As his brother Kebab Kid used to be in Milky Bar Kid's entourage, naturally, but then he got hugged the F out by Jeremy Piven, and now he just lazes around in West London all day, dwelling on his 15 minutes of reflected glory.

Pasta Brown, Covent Garden

2009-11-02T12:12:00.000Z

Food, the colour it's not really supposed to be.

Robocop needs fried chicken

2009-10-27T12:15:00.003Z

Prime Directives:

1: Serve the public trust
2: Protect the innocent
3: Uphold the law
4: Obtain Fried Chicken by any means necessary

Even if that means climbing out of the TV Ringu-style, and stealing a fridge.

And if you thought that was Robocop's worse example of whoring himself out to advertisers, check out this cup noddle commercial featuring, well, a whole squad of Robocops being trained to, er, eat cup noddles, at the beach.

U-Need-Cafe, East Acton, London

2009-10-26T12:02:00.000Z

Not that badly I don't. Incidentally, this is the first food shop that any lag newly released from a stay at Wormwod Scrubs at her Madge's pleasure will come to. Bit depressing really, and we can see why that bird fetishist in The Shawshank Redemption killed himself now.

Olympic Sandwich Bar is neither topical nor local

2009-10-21T12:22:00.000+01:00

It's still a good three years until the Olympics, so we can't help but feel that this shack in south London is blowing its marketing load a bit too early here. Especially since it's nowhere near Stratford.

Jerk City is hopefully referring to the food, not the patrons

2009-10-20T12:19:00.000+01:00

Either this shop in Soho serves jerk chicken, or the customers are just really annoying and throw chips all the time.

Steve offers package holidays to his kebab shop

2009-10-19T13:15:00.004+01:00

Steve of Waterloo is the next Alan Sugar in the making. He's got a brand new business model on lock: instead of just shepherding in drunken customers to eat your sheep fat, why not get them to then pass out in your abode and CHARGE FOR IT?

Steve, we salute you.

Meat In A Roll is out intellectualised by a chicken shop

2009-10-14T19:46:00.004+01:00

Oh dear. Remember Bertie Rooster Fried Chicken? I never thought I'd say this, but the pun on that there shack went sailing over my head.

We just got this comment from Anonymous:

"Dude, you have missed on a great pun, which is right up your alley - Bertie Rooster is a kind of a word play on Bertie Wooster of Jeeves & Wooster BBC series. The series are ingenious (even with your ultra liberal approach). Watch them - you will like it."

Not sure about the ultra liberal thing (see Ken Livingstone Coffe Shop) but we'll take it as a complement, and it's hands up time here. The owner of Bertie Rooster is smarter than us.

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Dammit.

Payless Food & Wine rides roughshod over English language, general economic principles of capitalism

2009-10-06T12:01:00.000+01:00

This here newsagent in Bermondsey, London is guilty of several things. I'm pretty sure "payless" isn't a word, and if it does mean "free" as it seems like it should, what the hell is it doing charging for bottles of milk? That's false advertising that is. Yeah.

Fishing World Of Kent conjures many images, none of them ambitious ones

2009-10-03T12:08:00.000+01:00

I've no idea if it sells cod and chips or cans of worms, but either way, "Of Kent" isn't a suffix that needed to be added here. Still sounds more exciting than Fireplace World, mind.

Headcorn Charcoal Grill may be the first kebab shop that's also a listed building

2009-10-02T12:03:00.000+01:00

Look! It's old and stuff. Spotted out in the sticks in Kent. I went on a trip to Stratford Upon Avon once, and it looks exactly like William Shakespeare's birthplace:

Just take my word for it that the building next to it did anyway.

The hottest new genre in music

2009-09-30T17:17:00.005+01:00

Meat in a Roll has already tipped its virtual hat to this US crossover sensation that didn't actually cross over:
But it seem that that was only the beginning. That's right, fools, Fast Food Hip Hop is now a goddamn whole genre!
Check out this wanna-be So Solid Crew, Channel U fodder from Junior Spesh:
I was kinda feeling it, guy, but then you went and and spoiled it by hating on Dr Pepper. Seriously, WTF?
And then there's this 50 Cent pastiche that's so ghetto they don't even credit the artist for fear of being shot up on the block (probably):
Fast Food Hip Hop. NME have already dubbed it Fip Fop. It's going to bigger than dubstep. Trust me.

Shirley Kebab House? Shirley you can't be serious?

2009-09-29T12:12:00.001+01:00

This trend of kebab shops being named after elderly British relatives needs to end, NOW.

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What? I'm off to eat at Peggy Pizza just down the road, or possibly Harold Fried Chicken, where they serve up spicy wings with Werthers Originals instead of chilli sauce.

KFC needs to replace its moist towelettes with Swine Flu Wipes, ASAP

2009-09-28T18:02:00.003+01:00

You'd think that avian flu might be more of a risk at KFC outlets, but hey, who knows what kind of meat is actually tucked away underneath the Colonel's secret recipe and several inches of fat? I don't. You don't. The Colonel don't either, but then that's because he's dead. KFC best cover all its bases and start offering these Swine Flu Wipes, as unbelievably spotted in Superdrug, or there'll be a full on rabble of Daily Mail readers outside its branches tutting and glaring.

Frango's has competition in the lucrative 'Fake Nando's' market

2009-09-21T13:00:00.001+01:00

Remember the whole Nandos/Frangos controversy?

Well, in Wembley, there is a Nandos. And two door down from this Nandos is a rather innocuous resturant. Yet protruding from this resturant is this sign:

Holy copyright infringment, Batman!!!! That's not just a sign, it's an ACT OF WAR!

Improve your chicken joint with our simple, 1-step, patented plan!

2009-09-18T13:00:00.001+01:00

Are you are tired, dilapidated chicken shop named after a US state, bored of life, like Tennessee Fried Chicken of Clapham Junction here?

Then you need Meat in a Roll's patented 1-step program! Yes, by utilising the secrets of ancient inferior Game Boy versions of popular 16-bit titles, you too can simply add the suffix -land to your existing name and gain a new lease of life! Just ask Tennessee Land Fried Chicken and Pizza of Perivale here:Yes, look 10 years younger! Meet new people! Have crazy sexy with all kinds of poon! All thanks to Meat in a Roll!

Question: When will Meat In A Roll be willing to move away from the usual kebab/fried chicken remit and feature a 'cafe'?

2009-09-16T13:00:00.001+01:00

Answer: When it's the Dalston Star Cafe, bitches.

In Dalston, obviously.

Ronald McDonald in Japan just got sexy

2009-09-15T13:00:00.002+01:00

Like Hooch in Scrubs, the Japanese are crazy. I've always though Ronald McDonald was an ever so creepy character, popping up out of nowhere, luring kids away from their loving homes with the offer of a happy meal.

But seriously, these two ads from Japan from a couple of years back are pretty out there. Because what's the first thing you think of when you think of Ronald, or McD's itself? That's right: SEXY

Damn! I'd put my meat in her roll. She supersizes my meal. Like their coffee, she comes with a label saying 'Warning contents may be hot'. *ahem*

And if you thought that was bad, check this one out:

Oh My God! When did Ronald get so EMO!?! Has he been sitting alone in his room listening to My Chemical Romance, crying his eyes out? Is the Grimace contemplating slitting his wrists? I swear emo hippies like this don't even eat in McD's. They just protest against it outside. Whilst drinking organically sourced vegan lattes. Fix up, look sharp, Ronald.

Uncle Jim makes absolutely no reference to the fact it sells food

2009-09-08T12:21:00.000+01:00

Wow. Uncle Jim just ripped up the rule book on takeaway names and ejaculated on it. It's a kebab shop in Richmond, west London, but you'd never know it from the name. It sounds like it's run by a friendly mechanic who'd recommend the cheaper tyres if they were better, coz he's honest like that. A grafter.

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But no, Jim sells processed sheep fat in bread.

Big Boy Pizza, and a glimpse into my private life

2009-09-07T13:00:00.002+01:00

Sunday morning, and you wake up to a a load of missed calls and look at your phone a see piles of dubious text sent the night before, and you exclaim "OMG! I don't remember writing that!"? Not me. I have picked up habit of finding photos of takeaway establishments that I don't for the life of me remember taking.

For example:
Lord knows where this one is. The horrible flash glare suggests it was taken from the top deck of a night bus. I think you can make out my reflection in the window.

I do also have hazy memories of once shouting at a cab driver to pull over so I could get a snap of a chicken shop at about 3am.

Real Taste, Southall

2009-09-04T13:00:00.000+01:00

Ok, if so you're running a scuzzy chicken joint, you don't wanna just look like a shoddy two bit operation, right? You wanna be biting on the style of a more successful business, right?Is it just me, or does this place look like a bleedin' office superstore?

SPECIAL BONUS CONTENT ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Real Taste, Southall, is a right bastard to get a photo of. It has this big ol' glowing sign that just blurs anything but the most minimal of exposures. Here, for your enjoyment, are just a sprinkle of my failed attempts to snap this joint.

I pity the fool who misappropriates Mr T's name for a temporary take-away stall on a bank holiday in West London

2009-09-02T13:00:00.002+01:00

Spotted at the Notting Hill Carnival:Every bit of jerk chicken comes with a glass of milk. And after drinking it, you mysteriously find yourself on an airplane. Every single week.

Remember how now one ever died on the A-Team? Ironic this was at the Notting Hill Carnival, then.

Red Rooster, Mill Hill

2009-09-02T13:00:00.000+01:00

Today's chicken shop is brought to you by the letter 'R'. The letter 'R' dressed as a chicken, mind.

Kentucky really doesn't have very many fried chicken shops

2009-09-01T12:20:00.001+01:00

Well known fact: Kentucky Fried Chicken is one of the world's biggest fast food chains (with 24,000 employees worldwide).

Not so well known fact: Kentucky isn't quite the home of fried chicken it purports to be.

Here's Frankfort, the state capital of Kentucky, US of A:

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As you can see, it appears to have just two chicken shops. First is the promising Lee's Famous Recipe Chicken:

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It is in fact a Burger King.

Then there's a Kentucky Fried Chicken. You'd have thought it'd be the flagship branch, the beating heart and soul of the franchise, right? Nope, it's actually an abandoned petrol station:

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And that's it. That, or Google Maps isn't to be totally relied upon, but are you seriously questioning its reliability? Ayo Google Maps is the best, true dat.

Strangely, the first KFC ever opened was in Utah. Someone even took a photo of a piece of wall that proves it.

Takeaways named after movies #2: El Mariachi

2009-08-27T12:17:00.001+01:00

Now, I'm not liking the lack of food-based puns, but this Robert Rodriguez inspired restaurant has a few big selling points in my book.

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First up, there's the awful slogan along the top (Don't siesta - let's fiesta), which ranks up there with the Chinese translation of McDonald's I'm Lovin' It ("I just like it"). Then there's the cactus with a sombrero floating inexplicably above it, like a Hispanic UFO looking for work:
Sorry, that was a bit out of order, wasn't it? I didn't mean it. But what's won me over is the shop it's next to:

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FIREPLACE WORLD! Just think of the day out you and your family could have on the Richmond Road with attractions like this.

Grammatical outrage! This chicken shop gots a tautology in it!

2009-08-26T12:02:00.001+01:00

Spotted on the bus to Kingston:

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Now, unless the owner thinks Kingston is spelled with a C, we're at a loss as to what CFC Fried Chicken stands for. I can't be bothered to ring the number on the sign, so by process of elimination, we're left with the only ridiculous conclusion: this shop is actually called Chicken Fried Chicken Fried Chicken. What? This has all gone too far.

In an aside, I love that Google Maps has failed to mask the fact that the girl with the folder clearly does GCSE Art.

Thanks to Denis for this one, currently skiving off curing cancer (No, really) to send us the URL.

Spud's cafe has a poor, abused potato for a mascot

2009-08-24T12:21:00.001+01:00

Spotted around Kingston way, Spuds Cafe seems cheery enough at first. What a jolly potato that is waving at you as you pass by. But wait, what's wrong with his eye?
Ah, yes, he's been beaten and abused by the owner, like so many other mascots before him, and the jovial wave is actually a desperate cry for help. Someone call the social so they can "take away" him. You see what I did there?

Toast Club's mascot needs a diet, shave, and blood pressure check-up

2009-08-21T12:14:00.004+01:00

We've seen curious takeaway shop mascots in the past. There was gay chicken, Arab chicken, and the Iraqi Colonel Sanders who appeared to have been interred in Abu Ghraib at some point. None of them were particularly enticing, but they definitely make me hungrier than this chap emblazoned on the sign of a kebab shop on the Greek island of Santorini.
He looks like the dude off the Pringles tubes after bingeing on the BBQ flavour for two decades and only trimming his 'tache when drunk. And what's with the name Toast Club anyway? It sounds like a takeaway run by a gang of Enid Blyton-esque children and their faithful hound (Probably called Rex or Elizabeth or something), except here it's probably the pooch being served up in a pita.

Perfect Spice, Bethnal Green

2009-08-20T13:14:00.001+01:00

You think it's just going to be another Perfect Fried Chicken, but then it pulls 'Perfect Spice' out of the bag. Nice.

American TASTEE Chicken & Ribs

2009-08-19T13:00:00.001+01:00

Pop quiz, hotshot.

Does the extra 'E' stand for:

a) Extra Hot
b) Excellent
c) Ecstasy
d) Former Sheffield Wednesday and Wimbeldon striker Efan Ekoko
e) Extra

Answers on a postcard.

Maddy McCann was probably kidnapped in this Cheetos van

2009-08-18T12:14:00.000+01:00

As spotted in a Mediterranean resort. They don't sell Frazzles on the continent so Cheetos are the paedophile's crisps of choice by default. It's strange that the McCann's spokesperson hasn't ever mentioned it, seeing how conspicuous it is. I imagine the driver looks like a cross between the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and the anthropomorphic leopard from the Cheetos packet, which would be funny were it not for the fact that there's probably a semi-professional photography studio and a set of rusty, unwashed hacksaws in the back of the van.

What? Too soon?

Belgians like their fast food to urinate on them

2009-08-17T13:00:00.000+01:00

First, a bit of culture: Are you aware the Manneken Pis? It's a fountain/statue in Brussels of a small boy having a piddle into a pool.From Wikipedia: "Manneken Pis (help·info) (Dutch for little man urinating), also known in French as the petit Julien, is a famous Brussels landmark. It is a small bronze fountain sculpture depicting a naked little boy urinating into the fountain's basin.

The famous statue is located at the junction of Rue de l'Étuve/Stoofstraat and Rue du Chêne/Eikstraat. To find it, one takes the left lane next to the Brussels Town Hall from the famous Grand Place and walks a few hundred meters to arrive at the spot. The statue will be on the left corner."

And then, just down the road is this sign:Apparently R Kelly loves this place.

Thanks to Sanjay for the spot.

LOL Chicken Shops

2009-08-12T13:00:00.000+01:00

Could it be the hot new internet meme of 2009?

Perfect Fried Chicken Winter Collection 2009

2009-08-10T13:00:00.001+01:00

Does the modern high street in Britain depress you? Rows of identical chain stores over and over? TK Maxx followed by Primark followed by McDonalds followed by Primark again followed by Greggs? Where's the local character gone?

Well, then thank god for Perfect Fried Chicken.

Now I don't know if it's a franchise or not. I tried to do a bit of research online, but Gossip Girl is on ITV2 at the moment and I got distracted. But each different Perfect Fried Chicken has its own look, its own character. Look at these two, only about 1km apart in Aldgate, East London.

FC Hottest Chicken ...in Town Restaurant & Take Away & Delivery, Amsterdam

2009-08-07T13:00:00.001+01:00

Man, following their revolutionary McDonalds menu, the Dutch are on fire. Spotted in Amsterdam:You really do sometimes have to explore foreign cultures to find something special. They are letting the side down slightly with tarpaulin sheet, as opposed to a plastic neon fascia, but this one scores on so many levels. Overly cluttered sign. Dubious use of punctuation. Delusions of grandeur, calling themselves a 'restaurant'. And quite simply, the best chicken on a sign yet. It looks so happy, yet slightly retarded. Like a kid with Down's syndrome on a day trip to the zoo. And he's wearing a rainbow waistcoat! It's clearly painted on, so this isn't a fly by night operation as the temporary sign might suggest.

Thanks to Stef for the spot, and for bringing so much joy into my life.

Pizza Jim sounds horribly mundane

2009-08-03T12:21:00.001+01:00

Jim (I'm assuming that's the owner's name) didn't really push the boat out when it came to striking out on his own and setting up a takeaway. If we had to judge a person by his business's sign, we'd guess that he's had a season ticket to Sheffield United for the last 20 years (Standing, until it all got converted to seating) and worked in a small burglar alarm business just off the ringroad outside Doncaster all of his life, and barely been promoted the entire time. He's also been on holiday to Tenerife once, but it was too hot and he didn't like the food. In a mid-life crisis, he decided to turn his fate around, snapped up this place and after a long brainstorm and flash of inspiration, chose Pizza Jim over other frontrunners like "Pizza Hutch" and "Pizza".

We're guessing.

The world's campest chicken shop signage

2009-07-31T13:20:00.000+01:00

OOOOOO Spicy!

Stone Willy's, Clapham

2009-07-29T13:28:00.000+01:00

Take-aways in Clapham are off the chain.

Just check this place out. It's insane.First of all, you might as well call it Concrete Penis Pizza. My next concern would be the offer of 'Chicken and Jacs'. What the name of Adam West are Jacs? I googled 'chicken jacs' and all that came up was bleeding dog food!

The fact it also seems to be a joint venture between Stone Willy's and late-70's disco group Shalamar is also rather mystifying. It's hardly a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell now, is it? You can't really have a novelty pop-rap crossover hit about the 'Combination Stone Willy's and Shalamar'. But if by chance Dizzee Rascal and Calvin Harris do and make it the anthem of the summer, I want 15% of the royalties.Then, on the left, is this sign. A design classic I think you'll agree, even if there is an erroneous hyphen in 'TO-GO'. I also like the guy sticking his head out the door doing a John Cena impression. (And yes I did go back to this at night to take another photo).

And then it gets weird.This is the sign on the right hand side. WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY? He looks like an Iraqi Colonel Sanders. As played by the love child of Christopher Lee, Borat and Salvador Dali. And what has he been doing since 1972? Secretly infiltrating the world's government's with his concrete penis, I mean, Stone Willy?
It's so hypnotic. The more you stare at hi, the worse it gets.ALL HAIL IRAQI SANDERS! ALL HAIL IRAQI SANDERS! o/ (That's an emoticon for a salute, by the way)

This isn't just fried chicken. It's Nagina fried chicken...

2009-07-28T13:00:00.001+01:00

This place is Nagina in Southall. And it is, without a shadow of a doubt, the classiest chicken venue I have ever laid eyes upon. It's miles from your bog standard grubby Chicken Cottage. Sleek white marble effect decor. Classy gold writing. Spacious open plan-style windows that have a complete lack of duct tape holding them together after a bit of a scuffle last Friday night. It is a chicken shop for people who shop at Waitrose and eat Walkers Sensations.

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Shame from the wrong angle 'Nagina' can look like 'Vagina' though.

This is what Boris Johnson looks like on a KFC Bucket

2009-07-27T12:12:00.003+01:00

Have you ever wondered what the bumbling mayor of London looks like dressed as Colonel Sanders on a KFC bucket? No? Well, now you know:
Surprisingly, he looks even more like the goateed dick from The Matrix Reloaded than the father of KFC himself. You can have a go at KFC's silly marketing ploy here, which just about makes up for the grilled chicken debacle, but not quite.

Yet another chicken shop named after a rapper

2009-07-24T13:00:00.001+01:00

We've had Cypress Hill, we've had Coolio, and now:

Fig a) Critically acclaimed New York rapper Nas:
Fig b) Nass Fast Food, Hounslow

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Ok, there is an extra 'S'. But their burgers are Grillmatic.

Takeaways unofficially endorsed by South Korean consumer electronic giants #1: Samsun Steak & Kebab Restaurant

2009-07-23T12:18:00.000+01:00

Terrorists, politicians, cartoon characters, they've all had takeaways named after them, but Samsung, we honestly weren't expecting. Spelt wrong too. The food here comes with a two year warranty, you know.

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Unless someone finds an LG Fried Chicken, we suspect this may be a very occasional feature.

Mockney phrases make for the best pub names

2009-07-22T12:21:00.000+01:00

This is where you go to drink when you're in trouble with the ol' ball and chain. You'll have a pint or nine with the boys, all have a big bitch about respective strifes, then go crawling back. Cos it's the dog'owse.

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Man mugged for kebab, sign of times

2009-07-21T12:07:00.000+01:00

Time was, you'd get mugged for your phone. You might get stopped walking through a subway at 8 in the evening by a gentleman in a hooded sweatshirt:"Oi blad, you got the time on your phone?". Now though, a young rapscallion doesn't have any respect without a doner of his very own: Cambridge Evening News reports a man was mugged at knife point for his kebab.

If it was us? We'd "jack" someone's iPhone, flog it on eBay and buy several mixed grills instead. But then maybe that sort of outside the box thinking is why we don't hide in bushes for food.

How do you name a chicken shop today? Crowdsource it, bitch

2009-07-20T12:15:00.000+01:00

Not all takeaways have grasped how the internet works, but a few entrepreneurial sorts are taking a few, shaky steps into the world of web 2.0. First we had the chicken shack with its own MySpace profile, and now we've got another place getting in on the latest web buzzword, crowdsourcing, which is another way of saying fuck it off, let's get some chat room flies to do our work for us.
One Yahoo forums peep turned to the message boards to come up with a name for their potential new chicken shop, and the suggestions make for interesting reading:
Naturally you've got the naively earnest type who fails to grasp the innate comedy value in chicken shops (A woman, I might add).
Then you've got the "joker". They're only in their teens now, but later in life they'll wear novelty ties to work and buy a singing fish trophy off eBay for the nostalgia value. Then they'll put it on the wall of their cubicle at work, but without the battery, because the boss wouldn't want it going off in the middle of a meeting about the best way to market fire alarms to the consumer.

But, as always with the internet, it does come down to one thing though: sex. God bless you, Tim Bernard-Matthews or whatever your name is.
Is it wrong that I'm turned on by women suggesting euphemisms for chicken shops? I think it is.

This chicken shop has a MySpace profile, and it is awesome

2009-07-10T12:19:00.001+01:00

I have to fess up: sometimes, I just type "fried chicken" into Google Maps along with a place name and see what comes up. It's sad, yes. It's the web 2.0 version of stamp collecting. But man, look what I found:
Wings N Tingz. Niccceeee. What "tingz" though? And why isn't it on Street View if it's in the country's second city? I don't know, but to make amends for that, the owner has given the shop its own MySpace profile. With a logo that is just fitness:
I've never met the chicken, but you can tell he's the avian equivalent of one of those Iranian expats who greases his hair, drives around in a 1994 Audi with leather upholstery and can generally be found chirpsing all the flyest Persian honeys on the Edgware Road.

It gets better though, check out the comments:
Oh Kiesha. Wings N Tingz can't possibly "roll through your spot" and show you any love BECAUSE IT IS A BUILDING AND CAN'T MOVE. Also note that no-one's said anything for over a year.

Wings N Tingz should totally join FaceBook, MySpace is sooo 2005. Then we can poke each other and play Scrabble over a few virtual spicy wings.

XFC Chicken & Burgers, Southall

2009-07-09T13:08:00.002+01:00

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What does the X stand for? XTREME! Dude!! Tony Hawk eats here. And they only serve Pepsi Max.

Chicken: The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast

2009-07-08T13:00:00.005+01:00

You know I how was saying that Germany had the best regional variation of any multi-nation fast food chain? Well, McDonalds in Holland is hitting back in style. Snapped in Amsterdam:In Holland McD's do a Chicken McMuffin. That's right: Chicken for Breakfast! My mind is blown. Literally blown. There are literally bits of brain all over the wall behind me. I've taken the red pill. This is how deep the rabbit hole goes, people.

Glastonbury is good for racist Chinese Takeaways and attention-seeking market traders; may also feature live music

2009-07-07T13:07:00.001+01:00

I wasn't really expecting Glastonbury to be a hot-bed of disgusting chicken. In my experience, music festivals tend to just be populated by greasy-but-edible burger vans. And, since my culinary highlight of the festival was getting some free vegan risotto by feigning interest in some Hare-Krishnas, I was right. However, there were a few things to point out.

First: Yet another Pizza Hut copyist:Then there was this spectacularly racist Chinese place:"Ah-so! Yoo wan noodles? They weel good noodles! Me love you long time! Sucky sucky! Ten dolla!"

What really made me bother to upload this post though most was this very typical fried chicken joint:I know what you're thinking; it's not not most memorable of places. And true it's not. When I went to take the photo, I was thinking I probably wouldn't get round to uploading it. As I pulled my camera out I was standing next to to a stall selling t-shirts or something. Out of nowhere, the guy running the stall popped up and pleaded with me to be in the photo. Begged me. Slightly scared, I obliged.
That guy made my festival.

Burger King in Germany is Amazing!

2009-07-06T12:43:00.002+01:00

OK, so you know the whole 'Royale with cheese' bit from Pulp Fiction? Well Travolta is an idiot. Why was he swanning around Paris when he could have been in Dusseldorf? OK, it may not have the art and culture and cheese, but check this out:In Germany, a Chicken Royale is called a LONG CHICKEN. Wunderbar!

Thanks to pseudonymically name reader 'The Business' for the photo.

The name Kebab Rush is slightly ominous

2009-07-06T12:20:00.001+01:00

They're so fast, they don't even cook the meat or nuffink. In fact, your doner will bleet at you when you put chili sauce on it.

Meat in a Roll in sick 'Latching on to tragic recent celeb death in a desperate attempt for attention' Shocker

2009-07-02T18:58:00.003+01:00

It takes a certain character to find out about the tragic early death of an era defining mega-star, and to have one your first thoughts be "I wonder want happens when you google 'michael jackson fried chicken'". But that's how I roll, I suppose.

While most of the media suddenly deemed Mariah Carey's twitter feed newsworthy, I came across this piece about Jacko's disturbing KFC habits. It would seem that the King of Pop, that while realising the negative health impacts of fried chicken, believed that removing the skin would somehow make the cheap KFC battery chicken organic!

Forget Neverland, forget Bubbles, forget the oxygen tent, forget the baby dangling, forget the Jesus Juice, that's just plain weird.

Fri-Chiks is unnecessarily hyphenated and a bit freaky

2009-07-02T12:17:00.002+01:00

Fri-Chiks in Camden makes an awful lot of assumptions with its catchy slogan, "When Mom's Not Cooking". Never mind the Americanised spelling, who says your mother cooks anyway? This is North London we're talking about, and if we've learned anything from the Baby P scandal in nearby Haringey, it's that the woman who brought you into the world is just as likely to snap your spine as fry you some chicken with a secret recipe of herbs and spices. Were it in the neighbouring borough, it would probably read "When Mom's Not Cooking Which Is Most Of The Time Except When The Social Are Coming Round".

Thanks Doonus!

Obama Fried Chicken returns in (slop) bucket form

2009-06-26T12:18:00.004+01:00

I don't quite understand where the logic for this came from. Sure, Obama Fried Chicken is a real shop, but if you're going to paint the president up as Colonel Sanders, you'd expect it on a fried chicken bucket. Not a toilet roll dispenser.
It gets stranger though: it doubles up as a money box for your loose change. Do you see what they did there? Change? That's clever, for a Hong Kong based website specialising in futile USB gadgets.

Some sort of comment about the US government wiping its ass on the economy though? I doubt it.

Aspirational Kebab Photography

2009-06-25T13:04:00.000+01:00

Kebabs? Tasty, but have somewhat of an image problem. However, this has all been solved:(Apologies about the reflection on the picture. Natural light is a horrible thing)

Plastered in the window of one kebab shop are these aspirational images. Now young couples dream of getting on the property ladder, decking the place out in flatpacked shite from Ikea, popping out a critter, and then munching down on a lamb kofte.

Just look at the sleek lighting of the two on the left. Can you just imagine yourself driving down Route 66, in a medium-priced American convertible, 80's soft rock blasting, toned, permed, mildly attractive female fitness model in one arm, greasy chicken doner in the other? Living dream, baby, living the dream.

The one on the right is even better though:Are you a working girl out on the town? Do you and your girlfriends argue over which one of you is Carrie, which is Kim Cattrall, and which is the ugly ginger lesbian? Then you need a greasy meat in a roll! "Take me Home"?!? The slogan might as well be "Be a slag - Have a kebab!" Wow, you really are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen eating a kebab.

EXTRA BONUS:

Feel rough in the morning? This place also offers nutritious breakfasts 'every weekends'!

Lick'n Chick'n & Pizza, Southall

2009-06-24T13:00:00.001+01:00

Do you remember in the nineties when that rumour did the rounds that Kentucky Fried Chicken changed its to KFC because it had bred a mutant creature to serve in their restaurants that was no longer legally a chicken?

Well, it seems that the Frankenstein prophecy has come true. In Southall they have just unveiled the genetic horror that is CHICK-N:
The year 2037: Human society has all but been wiped out by the CHICK-N. A small band of survivors, led by Christian Bale SHOUTING AT THINGS VERY LOUDLY, battle to survive against the CHICK-N, and it's lethal Lick-N bionic tongue.

Horrible abbreviations aside, licking chicken is still a horrible, horrible name.

Takeaways unofficially endorsed by famous people #7: Koolio's Fried Chicken

2009-06-23T12:23:00.001+01:00

OK, it's not spelled precisely the same as the 90s rapper's moniker, but the place is in Bolton. They don't really have civilization per se there, let alone typography. Hence no Street View.
Here's Coolio, angrily gesticulating at Xzibit for having less errant cornrows than him. It's also important you see this photo, purely because Coolio's hair is coming out of the top of his hat.

KFC uses phone box roofs for subliminal advertising (No, really)

2009-06-22T12:18:00.001+01:00

It's surprising enough to see somebody actually using a BT phone box these days, but even more so to discover that KFC is taking advantage of them to place specially molded arrows on top of:

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This raises two distinct and worrying possibilities:

1) BT doesn't know about it, and KFC has adopted an aggressive underground marketing scheme, akin to how local nightclubs advertise on pirate radio stations.

2) BT has an official channel for these sorts of adverts, meaning that somewhere out there, some poor blighter has to approve Kentucky Fried Chicken arrows and see if they meet the laid out stipulations (Is it no longer than 450mm and 50mm in depth?).

Either way, it's grim.

If you lie about the location of your business, it'll fail

2009-06-19T17:24:00.003+01:00

Case in point, Central London Group Grill Bar, which is at the end of a residential street, 10 miles away from what could be considered central London:
Have you ever watched The Wire? It looks like a boarded up Baltimore tenement block. Bubbles was probably running it until he rediscovered heroin, or looked at a map.

Royal Taste, Whitechapel

2009-06-17T12:30:00.001+01:00

This is where Harry and William end up after a crazy bender down Brick Lane. Whilst dressed as Nazis and getting stoned, obviously.

Stylish headwear for the modern chicken about town.

2009-06-16T12:30:00.001+01:00

In an attempt to distract myself from the pointlessness of existence, I have started to analyze the various hats that the cartoon chicken wear on the fascia of chicken shops.

A common theme, often found on a 'Texas Fried Chicken' or indeed a 'Texa', is a cowboy hat.
It is a classic look. It recalls the strength and the values of the myth of the American West. It's also a little camp. Plus, that red splodge this in the middle of hat means that he's the sheriff. Or he splattered ketchup on his hat.
This is another take on the classic look. He's gone for a simple all-white design, topped off with a snappy black band. He knows the score.

Here's our old friend from Royal Taste:He rocks the crown. You know why he rocks the crown? Cause he's the King. Bitch.

And here is the most disturbing one:We've featured Munch Inn before, but awful puns aside, it didn't seem that evil. He's wearing a chef's hat. On the surface, not a bad, what with him being a restaurateur and all. But think about it. He cooks and serves other chickens. He's a MOTHERF*CKING CANNIBAL, for Christ's sake! You might as well just call your joint Hannibal Lecter Fried Chcken! "I'm going to eat your wings with a side of beans and a nice Dr Pepper!"

Dosa Hut: In no way affiliated with Pizza Hut

2009-06-15T10:30:00.003+01:00

So, you know all this shizzle about Pizza Hut being rebranded to become Pasta Hut? Do people really want that healthy stuff? More importantly, do Pizza Hut's discerning clientele want that? If it succeeds, is it going to become Veggie Hut?

Which brings us to the purpose of the post. Fig. 1 - The Pizza Hut Logo:Fig 2 - Middlesex vegetarian restaurant Dosa Hut:
Ok it's not the first place to blatantly rip off Pizza Hut. But what I'm really loving is the people this banging joint is bringing in. Check this guy up close:
I'm loving the 90s stylings. Bright blue denim. Stupidly padded jacket. He looks like he could an extra in Short Circuit 2 (Or if you're a total geek like me, drawn by Rob Liefeld).

Takeaways that sound like Israeli Nightclubs 4: New Tastyland!

2009-06-12T20:15:00.009+01:00

I'm just shocked at what an awful name this place has. Is it a takeaway curry themed amusement park? Are they opening EuroTastyland soon? Or is it the Game Boy version of Super Tasty World?
It's in Alperton, West London, should you ever want to go. Lime green on bright orange; it's not a good look. And 'New' Tastyland? God, I hate to think what the original Tastyland was like.

Heritage Kebab House doesn't realise retro chic doesn't work in the food industry

2009-06-11T12:20:00.000+01:00

Squint hard peeps. This one could have gone down in my list of lessons to learn before naming your takeaway. DON'T MAKE YOUR FOOD SOUND OLD.
Would you eat "vintage chicken"?

The most sexually provocative sandwich shop we've ever seen

2009-06-10T12:22:00.000+01:00

Tickle me. Go on, do it. It's how you get the mayo on your minted lamb baguette.

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Pizza.com doesn't actually own pizza.com

2009-06-09T12:20:00.001+01:00

See, here's how the internet works. You register a domain name, advertise it online and in the real world, and people visit it. If you call your shop a URL which you clearly don't own, it's not going to help anyone.

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Except of course, the website pizza.com, a rather strange American pizza fan site. I think.

Takeaways named after minerals are probably more crunchy than crispy

2009-06-05T12:19:00.001+01:00

Personally, I'd like to think that my kebabs had meat in rather than sedimentary or igneous rocks, or precious stones. Not so much a priority in north London it seems:

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Diamond Kebab? In fairness, it is surprisingly clean. Sparkling almost. More so than the Crystal Charcoal Grill anyway.

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You know that the doner rolls in this place cut the knife rather than the other way round.

Alaska Fried Chicken is the most unexpected KFC rip off yet

2009-06-01T12:22:00.000+01:00

I always thought that Delaware would be a daft state to name your chicken shop after, but someone's done one better with Alaska Fried Chicken.
It's not really very southern, is it? Unfortunately, Google doesn't deem Cheadle near Manchester important enough to streetmap yet, so any pictures would be more than welcome.

Biggest Chicken Shop in the world

2009-05-31T18:30:00.002+01:00

So, Grill King has competition. Literally 30 meters down the road is Royal Fried Chicken. And look a just HOW BLEEDING MASSIVE it is:
Look, it even goes on round the corner:

Grill King, Wembley

2009-05-30T14:19:00.004+01:00

So, yes, this place is reasonably scuzzy. Not the scuzziest we've featured though. However, like a Conservative MP found wandering Clapham Common late at night, it has a dark secret: it used to be a Burger King.

The Burger King on Wembley High Road shut down (an incident I've never heard of happening before) and overnight it became this horrible fake monstrosity. Probably from the producers of Transmophers and Snakes on a Train.

Still, the similarities to a disgraced Tory MP don't end there. Grill King is also trying to restore its reputation by promoting family values:

The takeaways in Brockley are just wow

2009-05-28T12:25:00.000+01:00

Vying with the Uxbridge Road for the title of London's centre of crap takeaways names is Brockley Rise in south east London. Let's go down the street in descending street number - which just so happens to be ascending order of absurdity. At number 55, it's Mega Bites:

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The only way this could be more outdated is if it was "Rad" instead of "Mega". I think. One of them is 1991, the other is 1992. I forget. Anyhoo, just three doors down and presumably stealing all the trade is MMM... The Taste Fried Chicken. No, really:

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Gonna put this out there: this place probably doesn't meet expectations for a lot of people who go in there. Even if it does sell a Big Mac style burger for 99p.

But at least you can see what the owner was intending. There's just no accounting for its other near rival:

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I - I don't know.

And have you seen the fifth Harry Potter movie? That door looks like the one in the Ministry of Magic. Some poor, unwitting sarf Londoner has walked through there hoping for some spicy wings and got the kiss of death from a dementor for his troubles.

IMMATURE BONUS SHOT:

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We're not going to stoop to your level. But in what country is that a phone number?

Actually no, Munch Inn is the worst pun on a sign so far

2009-05-27T12:22:00.000+01:00

Did Supreme Mag-Pies make you groan? If so, you might want to click away from this page now.
You see what they did there? Munch Inn, munching. They've made a place name sound like an onomatopoeic verb and - oh never mind. We think it's in Wolverhampton, but we're not sure.

Sent in by reader Caleb, who has once again failed to impress with the awful camera built in to his BlackBerry. Buy a new phone!

Fast food chains of the world #3: Snack Point Charlie

2009-05-26T12:19:00.000+01:00

We're off on a little road trip today to Berlin in Germany, the home of breaded foodstuffs, weiners and people with no sense of humour. Except in this case - here's the famous Check Point Charlie.
What does some entrepreneurial Berliner set up next to this ever so ironical commercial tourist attraction commemorating communism? Snack Point Charlie, of course.
Best mascot ever on the sign. He makes Ronald McDonald look like a gulag guard.
It's actually a complex with lots of little takeaways. You wouldn't find that sort of initiative on the East side of the wall.
Check out that bit of '89 right there on the window. Why the hell is it in English though?

Anyone eaten here?

A lesson in what not to call your chicken shop

2009-05-25T12:28:00.000+01:00

I don't run a chicken shop. But I think I'd be better than most people who do. Let me lay some home truths down on y'all about takeaway signage with a tour around some of the worst offenders in London.

1) Your abbreviation needs to stand for something

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You can't just call your shop "random letter FC". What the hell does the H stand for? Acronyms FTW, WTF etc etc. No.

2) Your chicken won't sound fresh if your sign isn't

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What an anachronox. I'd rather eat at 1983 Chicken than here. What's really weird is that the phone number has an 020 dialing code. For the less sad among you, they didn't come in until the year 2000, suggesting this place was out of date from the start. FAIL.

3) You need to specify a location if you're going to use a place name

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Whether you're going by city, postcode, or misspelt American state, remember to specify it please. You can't name a chicken shop by an Anglo-Saxon method of partitioning the country. You wouldn't call a place Hectare Kebab would you?

4) Stating the bloody obvious just raises questions
REAL FRIED CHICKEN? As opposed to what exactly? Dixie Pigeon? Awful, awful, awful.

Taco Bell time travel!

2009-05-22T12:28:00.001+01:00

The fast food connoisseurs among you might wonder why Taco Bell never tried to expand over here in the US of K. If that is, like me, you should be doing something useful with your life but aren't.
Actually, it turns out, Taco Bell did. This photo was taken in Leicester Square back in 1989, when photography was all done on film, women weren't allowed to wear skirts above the ankle for fear of death by sharia law and traffic lights were apparently blue instead of green. It didn't last more than a few years though, but Wikipedia says Taco Bell is planing on coming back now that Joe Public knows what Mexican food is and we're all buying fast food because of the recession.

This is Wikipedia, mind. What, you think I'm going to bother following through references? Hells no. Oh, in case you were wondering what's there now:

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TGI Friday's, mofo!

Supreme Mag-Pies is the worst pun on a sign yet

2009-05-21T12:18:00.001+01:00

The north is rich in really bad takeaways. Probably because lots of people are on benefits and have nothing better to do than stand around. In Newcastle, they like to stand around near St James' Park, to worship at the temple of Kevin Keegan and Alan Shearer, so it should come as no surprise to find a pie shop trying to cash in on Newcastle United. Reader Mike sent this one in:
"This is a take away in Newcastle unsurprisingly. The greatest pies in the world for the greatest fans in the world. It's usually busier but this was taken on the day that Newcastle employed a new assistant groundsmen so the locals had to get down to St James' Park pronto."

What will happen to this pie shop if Newcastle get relegated and all the fans burn their giros in protest? We don't care.

I now have a reason to boycott KFC. Or six.

2009-05-20T12:11:00.000+01:00

The KFC grilled chicken thing was really stupid. These topless women agree pre-emptively from mid-2008 Australia.
OK, actually they're PETA protestors trying to highlight cruel treatment of chickens, but I'm sure they agree that the Colonel is rolling in his grave. I mean, come on, grilled KFC?

A trip around Whitechapel

2009-05-19T19:41:00.009+01:00

Today, children, we take a look at Whitechapel, East London, a place formerly home to two of the most evil Englishmen who ever lived: Jack the Ripper and Johnny Borrell (at least according to Wikipedia).

Anyways, on a recent jaunt to the newly re-opened Whitechapel Gallery, I noticed an interesting pattern amongst the chicken shops of the area: they all tended to have the location in the name, probably so the simple chicken eating folk of Whitechapel don't forget where they are.

Let's look, for instance, at E1 Fried Chicken
How much of a cock do you have to be to flaunt your expensive,trendy post code on FRIED CHICKEN SIGNAGE!?! (Get it? chicken..cock...nevermind). "Oh, look. We're HIP! We're NOW! We're sooooooo E1, yeah!" I personally think it might actually be the offices for an online media chaos collective ironically named E1 Fried Chicken.

Still, it's a little more specific than London Fried Chicken:
Rather vague, but I suppose it was helpful for the Northerners down on't day trip 't big smoke who couldn't work out why their chicken wasn't covered in gravy and cost more than a shilling.

This place had it on lockdown, though:
Whitechapel Fried Chicken. Perfect. This place clearly used to be a right proper East End boozer, and it still has a right touch of class about it. Well, wooden panel exteriors, but that's the MGM Grand of chicken shops really. The Krays would have gladly bought their old dear some spicy wings from here.

The place was actually banging on the Saturday afternoon I went past. Seriously, it was rammed and there was a massive queue. It was like The Ivy or something. It was the only chicken shop I could ever imagining visiting for 'the atmosphere'.

Watch out for more Whitechapel based fun coming soon. Trust me, we've only just scratched the surface of the the area's takeaways.

BONUS SNOOKER HALL UNOFFICIALLY ENDORSED BY A POPULAR BBC1 SOAP OPERA TWO DOORS DOWN FROM WHITECHAPEL FRIED CHICKEN!

Smack Kebab: French people have issues

2009-05-19T12:11:00.001+01:00

Reader Tom struck gold this weekend during a presumably dirty weekend on the continent.
"Spotted this when I was over in Pau in France this weekend. Sadly it was never open, leading me to suspect they may be out of business (probably due to kebab addiction). I know they can be moreish but to treat them like smack is a little extreme. Let's just hope they weren't injecting."

Too right. Still, at least we know now what French farmers are doing in between complaining about not being handed out enough money from the government, and being handed out money from the government. Shooting doner meat into their veins.
HOLD THE PAGE! There's a postscript and another photo to rival Yorkshire Fried Chicken for geolocation verisimilitude.

"P.S. Have attached two pics. First one has a car driving into shot but I kinda like that. Looks like a Renault advert or something. A really shit Renault advert."

Yeah, so a Renault advert. That's Nicole in the car, papa is behind the shutters injecting a shish kebab between his toes.

The Golden Shower Restaurant just didn't think anything through

2009-05-18T12:23:00.000+01:00

Because everybody loves water sports. Even on their food. Absolutely no idea what country this is in, but that can't be a phone number anywhere, surely.

Klassy Fish Bar is anything but

2009-05-14T12:19:00.001+01:00

There once was a time when replacing the letter S with Z, and C with K, was cool. That time was 1991. In those rubbish annuals you used to get at Christmas as a kid, like Sonic and Dr Who.
Cut to East Dulwich in 2009, and here we have the newly opened Klassy Fish Bar. It's so new in fact that it's not on Google Street View - according to @owenm who snapped this suave sign, it used to be a Codfather. Yup, that's right, ANOTHER Codfather.

Thanks Owen, keep it klassy.

Takeaways unofficially endorsed by famous people #6: Simpson's Pizzeria

2009-05-13T12:29:00.001+01:00

Yup, it's yet another Leeds takeaway using famous cartoon characters to flog its wares.

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The best thing about this place, other than the door that's not a door, has to be the apostrophe on the sign.

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Grammatically, there's nothing wrong for once, so long as there's only one Simpson running the damn place. But there's no punctuation in an actual Simpsons logo. Someone's gone out of their way to stick this one in, for reasons we can't fathom. Also, Lisa appears to be violating Maggie in a way that would make Joseph Fritzl blush.

Thanks for the spot, @Leedsgrub.

Kebab Crime Watch

2009-05-12T12:25:00.000+01:00

Man, it's a bad week to be standing outside a kebab shop. What the hell is wrong with people? Here's a round up of bad stuff happening outside doner shacks across the land this week. Remember, if you saw or know anything, please don't bother to tell us.

Dennis's Kebab, Slough - Attempted murder with car.

Kebabish, Sheffield - Assault, kidnapping. The victim managed to escape from the car, suggesting the attackers forgot to lock the door or were just quite stupid.

Gloucester - Kebab seller set upon by gang. Apparently the newspaper has been inundated with get well messages, including this comment which slightly misses the point: "I hope the bad guys get their just desserts and that kebab man is ok soon. Man, I love his chips."

Unique Kebab Knife, Jarrow - Burglary, two kebab slicers and a kebab machine stolen. No, seriously. Someone broke into a kebab equipment wholesaler.

Finally, on the lighter side of the news, a pair of Newmarket councilors are said to be up in arms because they forgot to complain in time about the originally named Newmarket Kebab House. Maybe they were too busy buying the kevlar vests they'd need to visit the place, being elected officials and all.

Takeaways unofficially endorsed by famous people #5: Gangster's Bistro

2009-05-11T12:13:00.000+01:00

We're back in Leeds for another bit of dubious intellectual property appropriation. This time, Tom and Jerry are giving Gangsters Bistro (No apostrophe, I might add) the thumbs up by lending their image.

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The people who eat here are the sort who had Looney Tunes characters shaved into their hair at school, and their MySpace profile now has a picture of them holding lots of five pound notes, like that makes them rich rather than an idiot. We're guessing.

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Mind you, those prices are pretty good. Only t'up north eh? Thanks again for the tip, @Leedsgrub, though you might want to get a job or something instead of spending all your time sending us links, cuz we can't pay you.

Roast Broast sounds like Dr Seuss ate here

2009-05-08T12:29:00.004+01:00

This errant tree obscures the view on Google Street View, but that doesn't change the fact that the name of this kebab and curry shop is ludicrous.

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What's a broast? It's not a word. It's like calling a shop kebab flebab. Or fish tish. This is worse than Thai Handwell - look closely and you'll even see the place sells Indain Sweets (sic).

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
The shop next to Roast Broast rivals it for poor grammar. Tesca quite clearly has the illiterate-people-in-Acton-who-think-they're-in-a-supermarket market wrapped up.

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Takeaway signs using Microsoft Word fonts #2: Chompers

2009-05-06T12:27:00.000+01:00

Balloon seems to be a popular choice for fast food joints looking to get some aesthetic appeal on the cheap. Not really sure why, as the state of Chompers in Cambridge shows how little it helps your business:
Chompers is a bit of an institution amongst students in the city, largely for only appearing at places where there's little to no chance of people walking past. Until last weekend, the only time I ever saw it, it was hovering some way outside the English department, on a road which had no pavement, and was pretty much a country lane. AT NIGHT. A side view of the trailer will help illustrate how little trade it gets and why:
A few questions spring to mind. Why is the license plate number printed on paper? What help did the owner think scrawling OPEN on the door with a felt tip would be? Does it cater for any events at all? We're considering setting ourselves up as fast food marketing consultants, as there's no way we could be anything other than shit hot at it.

Yorkshire Fried Chicken is just too northern to be true

2009-05-05T12:22:00.001+01:00

So far, we've only encountered chicken shops that replace the word Kentucky with imaginary American states and Democratic presidents. Never did we think we'd see something this, well, brilliantly northern: the Y in YFC in Leeds does indeed stand for Yorkshire.

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So, this is where people with no access to sunlight go for their chippy teas of a Friday. Or it would do if it was open - look closely and you'll see YFC Chicken Grill is having a makeover. What do you suppose it looked like before? Thanks to the wonders of the internet, we know:
There's so much right with this photo. It's just too grim. The sign's got that magnificent mix of inexplicable Yorkshire pride of being Yorkshire born and bred with completely contradictory Arabic writing. Best of all though, the photographer's shot it in such a depressing light that for a second we were convinced this was a location used in Red Riding. Pathetic fallacy at its absolute apex.

(Thanks, @Leedsgrub)

Takeaway signs using Microsoft Word fonts #1: Best Turkish Kebab

2009-05-04T12:21:00.002+01:00

Everything seems to be in order at first glance. Almost as much clutter as FCKF's sign but not quite.
Hang on though. What's that font hanging off on the side at a jaunty angle? It's not Balloon Extra Bold, is it?I think it is. Who slipped that bit of Microsoft Office love in there? We'll carry on this feature once we find a sign with that bastard paper clip on.

ChiFis, Acton

2009-05-01T13:25:00.004+01:00

Some of the finest words in the English language have been born from welding together two pre-existing words: synergy; infotainment; chillax. Some words, however, do not go together. Like chicken and fish. The owners of this fast-food outlet found out all too late.

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Crap, ain't it? I think if FCKF proved anything, combining chicken and fish into one catchy name is harder than one would think.

On a more positive note, this is on the same road as Maxin Mix and Hello Pizza. Surely this puts Acton High Street in the top 3 streets on the planet? The Acton tourist board should be all over this. Does Acton have a tourist board? Personally, I'd figure there's just a loan tourism officer, passed out in a pool of his own vomit, tears and semen. If anyone knows him, let us know.

Hello Pizza

2009-05-01T12:23:00.000+01:00

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Hello to you too! If only all signs were this welcoming.

Takeaways with names that could pass for Israeli nightclubs #3: Maxin Mix

2009-04-30T12:21:00.002+01:00

This shop in Acton, West London, sounds like a mid-90s compilation album you'd find in a motorway service station shop's bargain bin. Do you think Alice Deejay eats here?

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Takeaways unofficially endorsed by famous people #4: Kennedy Chicken

2009-04-29T12:24:00.000+01:00

I was alerted to the existence of Kennedy Chicken in Barking, East London, by this terrible photo of a box taken on a BlackBerry. Could it be true? A fried chicken shop that uses a person's name instead of an American state?
Some diligent research found Kennedy Fried Chicken on Google Street View.

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It's actually a bit of a disappointment, and the keen eyed amongst you will notice the discrepancy between shop sign and box. It's not the first takeaway we've seen named after a president, but it's the closest we're ever going to get to one called JFC instead of JFK.

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We are however liking the fact that Google has seen fit to blur out one of the set menus.

Mysterious yet tempting Gumtree listing

2009-04-28T21:44:00.004+01:00

Inspired by our discovery of a stockist for generic, non-brand fried chicken packaging? Well, if you're looking to set up shop, check out this posting on ebay-for-cheapskate-people listings site Gumtree.

I wonder what went wrong? Did the credit crunch hit his business? Have you ever heard of a chicken shop actually shutting down? I particularly like the idea of having a fried chicken menu board as a conversation piece in my living room.

Or how about this listing? It's less mysterious, less melancholy, has less sense of neo-realist human tragedy, but I do like the sound of the offer: 'NB: Why not buy whole package including CCTV plus more £25,000'.

FCKF: when acronyms go too far

2009-04-28T12:23:00.000+01:00

Or should that be WAGTF? This chicken shop spotted in Shoreditch just has too much going on. There are no fewer than 16 food menu items picture up there, and I reckon if I looked hard enough I'd eventually spot the owner's national insurance number, bank account details and pin number on there somewhere too, there's so much clutter.

Baconhenge is the most witching fry up ever

2009-04-27T12:30:00.000+01:00

It's not an eatery, no, but it is better than one.
This is what druids from Brizzo eat before a morning of throwing elderberries at the police around Stonehenge's security fence. Don't believe me? This concoction is from a witching handicraft website. No, really. It even has an "antifesto".

Boris Johnson burger actually exists

2009-04-24T12:30:00.000+01:00

Look, I didn't mean it the other day when I wondered if there was a Boris Johnson burger to go with the Ken Livingstone takeaway we spotted. Turns out Gourmet Burger Kitchen actually made a Boris Johnson burger during the run up to the London mayoral elections last year. Cue photoshopped pictures of BoJo with some patties:
The ingredients?
"100% beef with salad, relish and an aged Stilton dressing"
The verdict?
"A bit cheesy with hidden depths, quite possibly a bit messy", according to some City workers. So, Boris Johnson is represented in meat form by some old cheese. Sounds about right. Second picture stolen from Mauricio M.'s Flickr page.

Bizarre takeaway stories #1: Palestinian chicken shop

2009-04-23T12:30:00.000+01:00

Whilst looking into a running feature on chicken shops endorsed by Islamic extremists, I stumbled across this disturbing vignette on a forum. Pasted in entirety for a bit of Jackanory:

It is chicken's shop of Palestine

The auntie is showing a group of children the shop of the street.

when passing by a hotel. The auntie asks children, what shop is this? The children say " I don't know. " The auntie says " This is the bar. " The children say in unison: " Bar! "

pass a network shop again, the auntie asks children, what shop is this? The children say again that does not know, the auntie says, " This is the bar of a network. " The children say in unison: " Bar of the network! "

pass a beverage shop again, the auntie asks children, what shop is this? Several children say " It is water bar " ,The auntie says cheerfully, " The children are very clever, to extremely! It is water bar."

just pass by a chicken shop at this moment, the auntie just asked children, what shop was this? The children shout loudly in unison: " Yes ---Chicken ---The bar "

passerby is gaping all without exception!

Um. Is this a joke? A terrible example of travel writing? Don't know. Don't want to. Look at this picture instead.