The hottest new genre in music

Meat in a Roll has already tipped its virtual hat to this US crossover sensation that didn't actually cross over:
But it seem that that was only the beginning. That's right, fools, Fast Food Hip Hop is now a goddamn whole genre!
Check out this wanna-be So Solid Crew, Channel U fodder from Junior Spesh:
I was kinda feeling it, guy, but then you went and and spoiled it by hating on Dr Pepper. Seriously, WTF?
And then there's this 50 Cent pastiche that's so ghetto they don't even credit the artist for fear of being shot up on the block (probably):
Fast Food Hip Hop. NME have already dubbed it Fip Fop. It's going to bigger than dubstep. Trust me.

Shirley Kebab House? Shirley you can't be serious?

This trend of kebab shops being named after elderly British relatives needs to end, NOW.


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What? I'm off to eat at Peggy Pizza just down the road, or possibly Harold Fried Chicken, where they serve up spicy wings with Werthers Originals instead of chilli sauce.

KFC needs to replace its moist towelettes with Swine Flu Wipes, ASAP

You'd think that avian flu might be more of a risk at KFC outlets, but hey, who knows what kind of meat is actually tucked away underneath the Colonel's secret recipe and several inches of fat? I don't. You don't. The Colonel don't either, but then that's because he's dead. KFC best cover all its bases and start offering these Swine Flu Wipes, as unbelievably spotted in Superdrug, or there'll be a full on rabble of Daily Mail readers outside its branches tutting and glaring.

Frango's has competition in the lucrative 'Fake Nando's' market

Remember the whole Nandos/Frangos controversy?

Well, in Wembley, there is a Nandos. And two door down from this Nandos is a rather innocuous resturant. Yet protruding from this resturant is this sign:

Holy copyright infringment, Batman!!!! That's not just a sign, it's an ACT OF WAR!

Improve your chicken joint with our simple, 1-step, patented plan!

Are you are tired, dilapidated chicken shop named after a US state, bored of life, like Tennessee Fried Chicken of Clapham Junction here?

Then you need Meat in a Roll's patented 1-step program! Yes, by utilising the secrets of ancient inferior Game Boy versions of popular 16-bit titles, you too can simply add the suffix -land to your existing name and gain a new lease of life! Just ask Tennessee Land Fried Chicken and Pizza of Perivale here:Yes, look 10 years younger! Meet new people! Have crazy sexy with all kinds of poon! All thanks to Meat in a Roll!

Question: When will Meat In A Roll be willing to move away from the usual kebab/fried chicken remit and feature a 'cafe'?

Answer: When it's the Dalston Star Cafe, bitches.

In Dalston, obviously.

Ronald McDonald in Japan just got sexy

Like Hooch in Scrubs, the Japanese are crazy. I've always though Ronald McDonald was an ever so creepy character, popping up out of nowhere, luring kids away from their loving homes with the offer of a happy meal.

But seriously, these two ads from Japan from a couple of years back are pretty out there. Because what's the first thing you think of when you think of Ronald, or McD's itself? That's right: SEXY

Damn! I'd put my meat in her roll. She supersizes my meal. Like their coffee, she comes with a label saying 'Warning contents may be hot'. *ahem*

And if you thought that was bad, check this one out:

Oh My God! When did Ronald get so EMO!?! Has he been sitting alone in his room listening to My Chemical Romance, crying his eyes out? Is the Grimace contemplating slitting his wrists? I swear emo hippies like this don't even eat in McD's. They just protest against it outside. Whilst drinking organically sourced vegan lattes. Fix up, look sharp, Ronald.

Uncle Jim makes absolutely no reference to the fact it sells food

Wow. Uncle Jim just ripped up the rule book on takeaway names and ejaculated on it. It's a kebab shop in Richmond, west London, but you'd never know it from the name. It sounds like it's run by a friendly mechanic who'd recommend the cheaper tyres if they were better, coz he's honest like that. A grafter.

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But no, Jim sells processed sheep fat in bread.

Big Boy Pizza, and a glimpse into my private life

Sunday morning, and you wake up to a a load of missed calls and look at your phone a see piles of dubious text sent the night before, and you exclaim "OMG! I don't remember writing that!"? Not me. I have picked up habit of finding photos of takeaway establishments that I don't for the life of me remember taking.

For example:
Lord knows where this one is. The horrible flash glare suggests it was taken from the top deck of a night bus. I think you can make out my reflection in the window.

I do also have hazy memories of once shouting at a cab driver to pull over so I could get a snap of a chicken shop at about 3am.

Real Taste, Southall

Ok, if so you're running a scuzzy chicken joint, you don't wanna just look like a shoddy two bit operation, right? You wanna be biting on the style of a more successful business, right?Is it just me, or does this place look like a bleedin' office superstore?

SPECIAL BONUS CONTENT ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Real Taste, Southall, is a right bastard to get a photo of. It has this big ol' glowing sign that just blurs anything but the most minimal of exposures. Here, for your enjoyment, are just a sprinkle of my failed attempts to snap this joint.

I pity the fool who misappropriates Mr T's name for a temporary take-away stall on a bank holiday in West London

Spotted at the Notting Hill Carnival:Every bit of jerk chicken comes with a glass of milk. And after drinking it, you mysteriously find yourself on an airplane. Every single week.

Remember how now one ever died on the A-Team? Ironic this was at the Notting Hill Carnival, then.

Red Rooster, Mill Hill

Today's chicken shop is brought to you by the letter 'R'. The letter 'R' dressed as a chicken, mind.

Kentucky really doesn't have very many fried chicken shops

Well known fact: Kentucky Fried Chicken is one of the world's biggest fast food chains (with 24,000 employees worldwide).

Not so well known fact: Kentucky isn't quite the home of fried chicken it purports to be.

Here's Frankfort, the state capital of Kentucky, US of A:

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As you can see, it appears to have just two chicken shops. First is the promising Lee's Famous Recipe Chicken:

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It is in fact a Burger King.

Then there's a Kentucky Fried Chicken. You'd have thought it'd be the flagship branch, the beating heart and soul of the franchise, right? Nope, it's actually an abandoned petrol station:

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And that's it. That, or Google Maps isn't to be totally relied upon, but are you seriously questioning its reliability? Ayo Google Maps is the best, true dat.

Strangely, the first KFC ever opened was in Utah. Someone even took a photo of a piece of wall that proves it.