The Kebab Kid isn't so strong and tough as Milky Bar sibling

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As his brother Kebab Kid used to be in Milky Bar Kid's entourage, naturally, but then he got hugged the F out by Jeremy Piven, and now he just lazes around in West London all day, dwelling on his 15 minutes of reflected glory.

Steve offers package holidays to his kebab shop

Steve of Waterloo is the next Alan Sugar in the making. He's got a brand new business model on lock: instead of just shepherding in drunken customers to eat your sheep fat, why not get them to then pass out in your abode and CHARGE FOR IT?

Steve, we salute you.

Headcorn Charcoal Grill may be the first kebab shop that's also a listed building

Look! It's old and stuff. Spotted out in the sticks in Kent. I went on a trip to Stratford Upon Avon once, and it looks exactly like William Shakespeare's birthplace:

Just take my word for it that the building next to it did anyway.

Shirley Kebab House? Shirley you can't be serious?

This trend of kebab shops being named after elderly British relatives needs to end, NOW.


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What? I'm off to eat at Peggy Pizza just down the road, or possibly Harold Fried Chicken, where they serve up spicy wings with Werthers Originals instead of chilli sauce.

Uncle Jim makes absolutely no reference to the fact it sells food

Wow. Uncle Jim just ripped up the rule book on takeaway names and ejaculated on it. It's a kebab shop in Richmond, west London, but you'd never know it from the name. It sounds like it's run by a friendly mechanic who'd recommend the cheaper tyres if they were better, coz he's honest like that. A grafter.

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But no, Jim sells processed sheep fat in bread.

Toast Club's mascot needs a diet, shave, and blood pressure check-up

We've seen curious takeaway shop mascots in the past. There was gay chicken, Arab chicken, and the Iraqi Colonel Sanders who appeared to have been interred in Abu Ghraib at some point. None of them were particularly enticing, but they definitely make me hungrier than this chap emblazoned on the sign of a kebab shop on the Greek island of Santorini.
He looks like the dude off the Pringles tubes after bingeing on the BBQ flavour for two decades and only trimming his 'tache when drunk. And what's with the name Toast Club anyway? It sounds like a takeaway run by a gang of Enid Blyton-esque children and their faithful hound (Probably called Rex or Elizabeth or something), except here it's probably the pooch being served up in a pita.

Man mugged for kebab, sign of times

Time was, you'd get mugged for your phone. You might get stopped walking through a subway at 8 in the evening by a gentleman in a hooded sweatshirt:"Oi blad, you got the time on your phone?". Now though, a young rapscallion doesn't have any respect without a doner of his very own: Cambridge Evening News reports a man was mugged at knife point for his kebab.

If it was us? We'd "jack" someone's iPhone, flog it on eBay and buy several mixed grills instead. But then maybe that sort of outside the box thinking is why we don't hide in bushes for food.

The name Kebab Rush is slightly ominous

They're so fast, they don't even cook the meat or nuffink. In fact, your doner will bleet at you when you put chili sauce on it.

Aspirational Kebab Photography

Kebabs? Tasty, but have somewhat of an image problem. However, this has all been solved:(Apologies about the reflection on the picture. Natural light is a horrible thing)

Plastered in the window of one kebab shop are these aspirational images. Now young couples dream of getting on the property ladder, decking the place out in flatpacked shite from Ikea, popping out a critter, and then munching down on a lamb kofte.

Just look at the sleek lighting of the two on the left. Can you just imagine yourself driving down Route 66, in a medium-priced American convertible, 80's soft rock blasting, toned, permed, mildly attractive female fitness model in one arm, greasy chicken doner in the other? Living dream, baby, living the dream.

The one on the right is even better though:Are you a working girl out on the town? Do you and your girlfriends argue over which one of you is Carrie, which is Kim Cattrall, and which is the ugly ginger lesbian? Then you need a greasy meat in a roll! "Take me Home"?!? The slogan might as well be "Be a slag - Have a kebab!" Wow, you really are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen eating a kebab.

EXTRA BONUS:

Feel rough in the morning? This place also offers nutritious breakfasts 'every weekends'!

Heritage Kebab House doesn't realise retro chic doesn't work in the food industry

Squint hard peeps. This one could have gone down in my list of lessons to learn before naming your takeaway. DON'T MAKE YOUR FOOD SOUND OLD.
Would you eat "vintage chicken"?

Takeaways named after minerals are probably more crunchy than crispy

Personally, I'd like to think that my kebabs had meat in rather than sedimentary or igneous rocks, or precious stones. Not so much a priority in north London it seems:


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Diamond Kebab? In fairness, it is surprisingly clean. Sparkling almost. More so than the Crystal Charcoal Grill anyway.


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You know that the doner rolls in this place cut the knife rather than the other way round.

Actually no, Munch Inn is the worst pun on a sign so far

Did Supreme Mag-Pies make you groan? If so, you might want to click away from this page now.
You see what they did there? Munch Inn, munching. They've made a place name sound like an onomatopoeic verb and - oh never mind. We think it's in Wolverhampton, but we're not sure.

Sent in by reader Caleb, who has once again failed to impress with the awful camera built in to his BlackBerry. Buy a new phone!

Smack Kebab: French people have issues

Reader Tom struck gold this weekend during a presumably dirty weekend on the continent.
"Spotted this when I was over in Pau in France this weekend. Sadly it was never open, leading me to suspect they may be out of business (probably due to kebab addiction). I know they can be moreish but to treat them like smack is a little extreme. Let's just hope they weren't injecting."

Too right. Still, at least we know now what French farmers are doing in between complaining about not being handed out enough money from the government, and being handed out money from the government. Shooting doner meat into their veins.
HOLD THE PAGE! There's a postscript and another photo to rival Yorkshire Fried Chicken for geolocation verisimilitude.

"P.S. Have attached two pics. First one has a car driving into shot but I kinda like that. Looks like a Renault advert or something. A really shit Renault advert."

Yeah, so a Renault advert. That's Nicole in the car, papa is behind the shutters injecting a shish kebab between his toes.

Klassy Fish Bar is anything but

There once was a time when replacing the letter S with Z, and C with K, was cool. That time was 1991. In those rubbish annuals you used to get at Christmas as a kid, like Sonic and Dr Who.
Cut to East Dulwich in 2009, and here we have the newly opened Klassy Fish Bar. It's so new in fact that it's not on Google Street View - according to @owenm who snapped this suave sign, it used to be a Codfather. Yup, that's right, ANOTHER Codfather.

Thanks Owen, keep it klassy.

Kebab Crime Watch

Man, it's a bad week to be standing outside a kebab shop. What the hell is wrong with people? Here's a round up of bad stuff happening outside doner shacks across the land this week. Remember, if you saw or know anything, please don't bother to tell us.

• Dennis's Kebab, Slough - Attempted murder with car.

• Kebabish, Sheffield - Assault, kidnapping. The victim managed to escape from the car, suggesting the attackers forgot to lock the door or were just quite stupid.

• Gloucester - Kebab seller set upon by gang. Apparently the newspaper has been inundated with get well messages, including this comment which slightly misses the point: "I hope the bad guys get their just desserts and that kebab man is ok soon. Man, I love his chips."

• Unique Kebab Knife, Jarrow - Burglary, two kebab slicers and a kebab machine stolen. No, seriously. Someone broke into a kebab equipment wholesaler.
  

• Finally, on the lighter side of the news, a pair of Newmarket councilors are said to be up in arms because they forgot to complain in time about the originally named Newmarket Kebab House. Maybe they were too busy buying the kevlar vests they'd need to visit the place, being elected officials and all.
  

Takeaway signs using Microsoft Word fonts #1: Best Turkish Kebab

Everything seems to be in order at first glance. Almost as much clutter as FCKF's sign but not quite.
Hang on though. What's that font hanging off on the side at a jaunty angle? It's not Balloon Extra Bold, is it?I think it is. Who slipped that bit of Microsoft Office love in there? We'll carry on this feature once we find a sign with that bastard paper clip on.

FCKF: when acronyms go too far

Or should that be WAGTF? This chicken shop spotted in Shoreditch just has too much going on. There are no fewer than 16 food menu items picture up there, and I reckon if I looked hard enough I'd eventually spot the owner's national insurance number, bank account details and pin number on there somewhere too, there's so much clutter.

Yet Another Unofficial Endorsement

I'm sure you're aware of the horrible soul-destroying nightclub chain Oceana, but if you're not from the UK, or if you would look out of place as a guest on the Jeremy Kyle show, I'll explain.
Small cities and towns across the UK normally have one club, and one club only, where lower income folk the likes of The Enemy and Hard-Fi sing about can get their crunk on at the weekend. The venue usually offers R'n'B, Party Classics, cheap lager, possibly under-age girls in slutty dress and a 60-75% chance of having your teeth kicked in by the end of the night. In the last few years, these places have been bought up by the same chain and all re-branded as Oceana, sucking out whatever little soul they had like some sort of Commercial Dance loving captalist vampire. They also hilariously claim to offer 'The World In One Night' due to their practice of having lame 'themed' rooms.

However, when such a nightclub in Swansea was bought and converted into an Oceana (I believe it was called Time before, though don't quote me on that), the owners of the kebab shop next door spied an opportunity:
Holy unofficial product tie in, Batman! Nice use of a triangle instead of an 'A' to avoid copyright infringement too.

Bristol - More than just Skins!

What do the cast of Skins do after a heavy night of ketamine and dubstep? They roll down to the fantastically named "Chicken-U-Like" in Bristol, of course. What is not featured in this photo, but makes the place so much more amazing, is that it is next to a place called "Kebab-U-Like". For a previous Kebab/Chicken franchise, see Chicken/Pizza/Kebab Spot in west London.

Kebab in a pizza. Enough said.

This Google Alert for kebabs is really paying dividends. Look at this:
It's not just a happy man in a silly hat with a pizza. It's a happy man in a silly hat with a pizza with doner kebab meat in the stuffed crust.

Says Mo Anwar of Zoha's Chippy in Manchester: "The idea just came in the night and we tried it out. I thought, `Why stop at cheese when you can use meat instead?' We started giving it out to people and they told us they loved it."

Local journalism is brilliant. God bless you Manchester Evening News. The comments are even better though.
Lawyers don't get paid much these days.

AND
Don't you just hate that liberal media bias towards Whalley Range?