Frial Valencia is the KFC of Bolivia

There's so many cliches going on here it's insane. Dusty, worn down shop that Butch Cassisdy and the Sundance Kid probably holed up in at some point, CHICKENS BOXING, no door. I'm surprised they're not actually smoking a cigar whilst punching communists in the face too. MUST EAT HERE.

Coq'hot may have trouble with its branding come international expansion time

Might need a name change. Quite liking the mascots though, which include anthropomorphic chicken with beer belly, chicken in bikini, and largely naked bondage chicken with a chain mail mask on his face.

Man, KFC in Eindhoven is in a cathedral

Either that or Dutch Google Maps is just wrong. We can't Street View it to find out owing to those silly little European town roads, although even if we could we probably wouldn't bother.

Here's a review of this Gothic branch of the Colonel's finest:

"‪Kentucky Fried Chicken is the leader in fastfood in my opinion, it's meals are way better than McDonalds, which has bad quality of burgers. It's a bit more expensive, but; what you pay is what you get, I prefere the 'Zinger Box'‬‎

'Insightful.'

The Kebab Kid isn't so strong and tough as Milky Bar sibling

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As his brother Kebab Kid used to be in Milky Bar Kid's entourage, naturally, but then he got hugged the F out by Jeremy Piven, and now he just lazes around in West London all day, dwelling on his 15 minutes of reflected glory.

Pasta Brown, Covent Garden

Food, the colour it's not really supposed to be.

Robocop needs fried chicken

Prime Directives:

1: Serve the public trust
2: Protect the innocent
3: Uphold the law
4: Obtain Fried Chicken by any means necessary



Even if that means climbing out of the TV Ringu-style, and stealing a fridge.

And if you thought that was Robocop's worse example of whoring himself out to advertisers, check out this cup noddle commercial featuring, well, a whole squad of Robocops being trained to, er, eat cup noddles, at the beach.

U-Need-Cafe, East Acton, London

Not that badly I don't. Incidentally, this is the first food shop that any lag newly released from a stay at Wormwod Scrubs at her Madge's pleasure will come to. Bit depressing really, and we can see why that bird fetishist in The Shawshank Redemption killed himself now.

Olympic Sandwich Bar is neither topical nor local

It's still a good three years until the Olympics, so we can't help but feel that this shack in south London is blowing its marketing load a bit too early here. Especially since it's nowhere near Stratford.

Jerk City is hopefully referring to the food, not the patrons

Either this shop in Soho serves jerk chicken, or the customers are just really annoying and throw chips all the time.

Steve offers package holidays to his kebab shop

Steve of Waterloo is the next Alan Sugar in the making. He's got a brand new business model on lock: instead of just shepherding in drunken customers to eat your sheep fat, why not get them to then pass out in your abode and CHARGE FOR IT?

Steve, we salute you.

Meat In A Roll is out intellectualised by a chicken shop

Oh dear. Remember Bertie Rooster Fried Chicken? I never thought I'd say this, but the pun on that there shack went sailing over my head.

We just got this comment from Anonymous:

"Dude, you have missed on a great pun, which is right up your alley - Bertie Rooster is a kind of a word play on Bertie Wooster of Jeeves & Wooster BBC series. The series are ingenious (even with your ultra liberal approach). Watch them - you will like it."

Not sure about the ultra liberal thing (see Ken Livingstone Coffe Shop) but we'll take it as a complement, and it's hands up time here. The owner of Bertie Rooster is smarter than us.


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Dammit.

Payless Food & Wine rides roughshod over English language, general economic principles of capitalism

This here newsagent in Bermondsey, London is guilty of several things. I'm pretty sure "payless" isn't a word, and if it does mean "free" as it seems like it should, what the hell is it doing charging for bottles of milk? That's false advertising that is. Yeah.

Fishing World Of Kent conjures many images, none of them ambitious ones

I've no idea if it sells cod and chips or cans of worms, but either way, "Of Kent" isn't a suffix that needed to be added here. Still sounds more exciting than Fireplace World, mind.

Headcorn Charcoal Grill may be the first kebab shop that's also a listed building

Look! It's old and stuff. Spotted out in the sticks in Kent. I went on a trip to Stratford Upon Avon once, and it looks exactly like William Shakespeare's birthplace:

Just take my word for it that the building next to it did anyway.

The hottest new genre in music

Meat in a Roll has already tipped its virtual hat to this US crossover sensation that didn't actually cross over:
But it seem that that was only the beginning. That's right, fools, Fast Food Hip Hop is now a goddamn whole genre!
Check out this wanna-be So Solid Crew, Channel U fodder from Junior Spesh:
I was kinda feeling it, guy, but then you went and and spoiled it by hating on Dr Pepper. Seriously, WTF?
And then there's this 50 Cent pastiche that's so ghetto they don't even credit the artist for fear of being shot up on the block (probably):
Fast Food Hip Hop. NME have already dubbed it Fip Fop. It's going to bigger than dubstep. Trust me.

Shirley Kebab House? Shirley you can't be serious?

This trend of kebab shops being named after elderly British relatives needs to end, NOW.


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What? I'm off to eat at Peggy Pizza just down the road, or possibly Harold Fried Chicken, where they serve up spicy wings with Werthers Originals instead of chilli sauce.

KFC needs to replace its moist towelettes with Swine Flu Wipes, ASAP

You'd think that avian flu might be more of a risk at KFC outlets, but hey, who knows what kind of meat is actually tucked away underneath the Colonel's secret recipe and several inches of fat? I don't. You don't. The Colonel don't either, but then that's because he's dead. KFC best cover all its bases and start offering these Swine Flu Wipes, as unbelievably spotted in Superdrug, or there'll be a full on rabble of Daily Mail readers outside its branches tutting and glaring.

Frango's has competition in the lucrative 'Fake Nando's' market

Remember the whole Nandos/Frangos controversy?

Well, in Wembley, there is a Nandos. And two door down from this Nandos is a rather innocuous resturant. Yet protruding from this resturant is this sign:

Holy copyright infringment, Batman!!!! That's not just a sign, it's an ACT OF WAR!

Improve your chicken joint with our simple, 1-step, patented plan!

Are you are tired, dilapidated chicken shop named after a US state, bored of life, like Tennessee Fried Chicken of Clapham Junction here?

Then you need Meat in a Roll's patented 1-step program! Yes, by utilising the secrets of ancient inferior Game Boy versions of popular 16-bit titles, you too can simply add the suffix -land to your existing name and gain a new lease of life! Just ask Tennessee Land Fried Chicken and Pizza of Perivale here:Yes, look 10 years younger! Meet new people! Have crazy sexy with all kinds of poon! All thanks to Meat in a Roll!

Question: When will Meat In A Roll be willing to move away from the usual kebab/fried chicken remit and feature a 'cafe'?

Answer: When it's the Dalston Star Cafe, bitches.

In Dalston, obviously.

Ronald McDonald in Japan just got sexy

Like Hooch in Scrubs, the Japanese are crazy. I've always though Ronald McDonald was an ever so creepy character, popping up out of nowhere, luring kids away from their loving homes with the offer of a happy meal.

But seriously, these two ads from Japan from a couple of years back are pretty out there. Because what's the first thing you think of when you think of Ronald, or McD's itself? That's right: SEXY

Damn! I'd put my meat in her roll. She supersizes my meal. Like their coffee, she comes with a label saying 'Warning contents may be hot'. *ahem*

And if you thought that was bad, check this one out:

Oh My God! When did Ronald get so EMO!?! Has he been sitting alone in his room listening to My Chemical Romance, crying his eyes out? Is the Grimace contemplating slitting his wrists? I swear emo hippies like this don't even eat in McD's. They just protest against it outside. Whilst drinking organically sourced vegan lattes. Fix up, look sharp, Ronald.

Uncle Jim makes absolutely no reference to the fact it sells food

Wow. Uncle Jim just ripped up the rule book on takeaway names and ejaculated on it. It's a kebab shop in Richmond, west London, but you'd never know it from the name. It sounds like it's run by a friendly mechanic who'd recommend the cheaper tyres if they were better, coz he's honest like that. A grafter.

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But no, Jim sells processed sheep fat in bread.

Big Boy Pizza, and a glimpse into my private life

Sunday morning, and you wake up to a a load of missed calls and look at your phone a see piles of dubious text sent the night before, and you exclaim "OMG! I don't remember writing that!"? Not me. I have picked up habit of finding photos of takeaway establishments that I don't for the life of me remember taking.

For example:
Lord knows where this one is. The horrible flash glare suggests it was taken from the top deck of a night bus. I think you can make out my reflection in the window.

I do also have hazy memories of once shouting at a cab driver to pull over so I could get a snap of a chicken shop at about 3am.

Real Taste, Southall

Ok, if so you're running a scuzzy chicken joint, you don't wanna just look like a shoddy two bit operation, right? You wanna be biting on the style of a more successful business, right?Is it just me, or does this place look like a bleedin' office superstore?

SPECIAL BONUS CONTENT ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Real Taste, Southall, is a right bastard to get a photo of. It has this big ol' glowing sign that just blurs anything but the most minimal of exposures. Here, for your enjoyment, are just a sprinkle of my failed attempts to snap this joint.

I pity the fool who misappropriates Mr T's name for a temporary take-away stall on a bank holiday in West London

Spotted at the Notting Hill Carnival:Every bit of jerk chicken comes with a glass of milk. And after drinking it, you mysteriously find yourself on an airplane. Every single week.

Remember how now one ever died on the A-Team? Ironic this was at the Notting Hill Carnival, then.

Red Rooster, Mill Hill

Today's chicken shop is brought to you by the letter 'R'. The letter 'R' dressed as a chicken, mind.

Kentucky really doesn't have very many fried chicken shops

Well known fact: Kentucky Fried Chicken is one of the world's biggest fast food chains (with 24,000 employees worldwide).

Not so well known fact: Kentucky isn't quite the home of fried chicken it purports to be.

Here's Frankfort, the state capital of Kentucky, US of A:

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As you can see, it appears to have just two chicken shops. First is the promising Lee's Famous Recipe Chicken:

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It is in fact a Burger King.

Then there's a Kentucky Fried Chicken. You'd have thought it'd be the flagship branch, the beating heart and soul of the franchise, right? Nope, it's actually an abandoned petrol station:

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And that's it. That, or Google Maps isn't to be totally relied upon, but are you seriously questioning its reliability? Ayo Google Maps is the best, true dat.

Strangely, the first KFC ever opened was in Utah. Someone even took a photo of a piece of wall that proves it.

Takeaways named after movies #2: El Mariachi

Now, I'm not liking the lack of food-based puns, but this Robert Rodriguez inspired restaurant has a few big selling points in my book.

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First up, there's the awful slogan along the top (Don't siesta - let's fiesta), which ranks up there with the Chinese translation of McDonald's I'm Lovin' It ("I just like it"). Then there's the cactus with a sombrero floating inexplicably above it, like a Hispanic UFO looking for work:
Sorry, that was a bit out of order, wasn't it? I didn't mean it. But what's won me over is the shop it's next to:

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FIREPLACE WORLD! Just think of the day out you and your family could have on the Richmond Road with attractions like this.

Grammatical outrage! This chicken shop gots a tautology in it!

Spotted on the bus to Kingston:

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Now, unless the owner thinks Kingston is spelled with a C, we're at a loss as to what CFC Fried Chicken stands for. I can't be bothered to ring the number on the sign, so by process of elimination, we're left with the only ridiculous conclusion: this shop is actually called Chicken Fried Chicken Fried Chicken. What? This has all gone too far.

In an aside, I love that Google Maps has failed to mask the fact that the girl with the folder clearly does GCSE Art.

Thanks to Denis for this one, currently skiving off curing cancer (No, really) to send us the URL.

Spud's cafe has a poor, abused potato for a mascot

Spotted around Kingston way, Spuds Cafe seems cheery enough at first. What a jolly potato that is waving at you as you pass by. But wait, what's wrong with his eye?
Ah, yes, he's been beaten and abused by the owner, like so many other mascots before him, and the jovial wave is actually a desperate cry for help. Someone call the social so they can "take away" him. You see what I did there?

Toast Club's mascot needs a diet, shave, and blood pressure check-up

We've seen curious takeaway shop mascots in the past. There was gay chicken, Arab chicken, and the Iraqi Colonel Sanders who appeared to have been interred in Abu Ghraib at some point. None of them were particularly enticing, but they definitely make me hungrier than this chap emblazoned on the sign of a kebab shop on the Greek island of Santorini.
He looks like the dude off the Pringles tubes after bingeing on the BBQ flavour for two decades and only trimming his 'tache when drunk. And what's with the name Toast Club anyway? It sounds like a takeaway run by a gang of Enid Blyton-esque children and their faithful hound (Probably called Rex or Elizabeth or something), except here it's probably the pooch being served up in a pita.