Kebab Crime Watch

Man, it's a bad week to be standing outside a kebab shop. What the hell is wrong with people? Here's a round up of bad stuff happening outside doner shacks across the land this week. Remember, if you saw or know anything, please don't bother to tell us.

• Dennis's Kebab, Slough - Attempted murder with car.

• Kebabish, Sheffield - Assault, kidnapping. The victim managed to escape from the car, suggesting the attackers forgot to lock the door or were just quite stupid.

• Gloucester - Kebab seller set upon by gang. Apparently the newspaper has been inundated with get well messages, including this comment which slightly misses the point: "I hope the bad guys get their just desserts and that kebab man is ok soon. Man, I love his chips."

• Unique Kebab Knife, Jarrow - Burglary, two kebab slicers and a kebab machine stolen. No, seriously. Someone broke into a kebab equipment wholesaler.
  

• Finally, on the lighter side of the news, a pair of Newmarket councilors are said to be up in arms because they forgot to complain in time about the originally named Newmarket Kebab House. Maybe they were too busy buying the kevlar vests they'd need to visit the place, being elected officials and all.