Glastonbury is good for racist Chinese Takeaways and attention-seeking market traders; may also feature live music

I wasn't really expecting Glastonbury to be a hot-bed of disgusting chicken. In my experience, music festivals tend to just be populated by greasy-but-edible burger vans. And, since my culinary highlight of the festival was getting some free vegan risotto by feigning interest in some Hare-Krishnas, I was right. However, there were a few things to point out.

First: Yet another Pizza Hut copyist:Then there was this spectacularly racist Chinese place:"Ah-so! Yoo wan noodles? They weel good noodles! Me love you long time! Sucky sucky! Ten dolla!"

What really made me bother to upload this post though most was this very typical fried chicken joint:I know what you're thinking; it's not not most memorable of places. And true it's not. When I went to take the photo, I was thinking I probably wouldn't get round to uploading it. As I pulled my camera out I was standing next to to a stall selling t-shirts or something. Out of nowhere, the guy running the stall popped up and pleaded with me to be in the photo. Begged me. Slightly scared, I obliged.
That guy made my festival.

Burger King in Germany is Amazing!

OK, so you know the whole 'Royale with cheese' bit from Pulp Fiction? Well Travolta is an idiot. Why was he swanning around Paris when he could have been in Dusseldorf? OK, it may not have the art and culture and cheese, but check this out:In Germany, a Chicken Royale is called a LONG CHICKEN. Wunderbar!

Thanks to pseudonymically name reader 'The Business' for the photo.

The name Kebab Rush is slightly ominous

They're so fast, they don't even cook the meat or nuffink. In fact, your doner will bleet at you when you put chili sauce on it.

Meat in a Roll in sick 'Latching on to tragic recent celeb death in a desperate attempt for attention' Shocker

It takes a certain character to find out about the tragic early death of an era defining mega-star, and to have one your first thoughts be "I wonder want happens when you google 'michael jackson fried chicken'". But that's how I roll, I suppose.

While most of the media suddenly deemed Mariah Carey's twitter feed newsworthy, I came across this piece about Jacko's disturbing KFC habits. It would seem that the King of Pop, that while realising the negative health impacts of fried chicken, believed that removing the skin would somehow make the cheap KFC battery chicken organic!

Forget Neverland, forget Bubbles, forget the oxygen tent, forget the baby dangling, forget the Jesus Juice, that's just plain weird.

Fri-Chiks is unnecessarily hyphenated and a bit freaky

Fri-Chiks in Camden makes an awful lot of assumptions with its catchy slogan, "When Mom's Not Cooking". Never mind the Americanised spelling, who says your mother cooks anyway? This is North London we're talking about, and if we've learned anything from the Baby P scandal in nearby Haringey, it's that the woman who brought you into the world is just as likely to snap your spine as fry you some chicken with a secret recipe of herbs and spices. Were it in the neighbouring borough, it would probably read "When Mom's Not Cooking Which Is Most Of The Time Except When The Social Are Coming Round".

Thanks Doonus!

Obama Fried Chicken returns in (slop) bucket form

I don't quite understand where the logic for this came from. Sure, Obama Fried Chicken is a real shop, but if you're going to paint the president up as Colonel Sanders, you'd expect it on a fried chicken bucket. Not a toilet roll dispenser.
It gets stranger though: it doubles up as a money box for your loose change. Do you see what they did there? Change? That's clever, for a Hong Kong based website specialising in futile USB gadgets.

Some sort of comment about the US government wiping its ass on the economy though? I doubt it.

Aspirational Kebab Photography

Kebabs? Tasty, but have somewhat of an image problem. However, this has all been solved:(Apologies about the reflection on the picture. Natural light is a horrible thing)

Plastered in the window of one kebab shop are these aspirational images. Now young couples dream of getting on the property ladder, decking the place out in flatpacked shite from Ikea, popping out a critter, and then munching down on a lamb kofte.

Just look at the sleek lighting of the two on the left. Can you just imagine yourself driving down Route 66, in a medium-priced American convertible, 80's soft rock blasting, toned, permed, mildly attractive female fitness model in one arm, greasy chicken doner in the other? Living dream, baby, living the dream.

The one on the right is even better though:Are you a working girl out on the town? Do you and your girlfriends argue over which one of you is Carrie, which is Kim Cattrall, and which is the ugly ginger lesbian? Then you need a greasy meat in a roll! "Take me Home"?!? The slogan might as well be "Be a slag - Have a kebab!" Wow, you really are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen eating a kebab.

EXTRA BONUS:

Feel rough in the morning? This place also offers nutritious breakfasts 'every weekends'!

Lick'n Chick'n & Pizza, Southall

Do you remember in the nineties when that rumour did the rounds that Kentucky Fried Chicken changed its to KFC because it had bred a mutant creature to serve in their restaurants that was no longer legally a chicken?

Well, it seems that the Frankenstein prophecy has come true. In Southall they have just unveiled the genetic horror that is CHICK-N:
The year 2037: Human society has all but been wiped out by the CHICK-N. A small band of survivors, led by Christian Bale SHOUTING AT THINGS VERY LOUDLY, battle to survive against the CHICK-N, and it's lethal Lick-N bionic tongue.

Horrible abbreviations aside, licking chicken is still a horrible, horrible name.

Takeaways unofficially endorsed by famous people #7: Koolio's Fried Chicken

OK, it's not spelled precisely the same as the 90s rapper's moniker, but the place is in Bolton. They don't really have civilization per se there, let alone typography. Hence no Street View.
Here's Coolio, angrily gesticulating at Xzibit for having less errant cornrows than him. It's also important you see this photo, purely because Coolio's hair is coming out of the top of his hat.

KFC uses phone box roofs for subliminal advertising (No, really)

It's surprising enough to see somebody actually using a BT phone box these days, but even more so to discover that KFC is taking advantage of them to place specially molded arrows on top of:

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This raises two distinct and worrying possibilities:

1) BT doesn't know about it, and KFC has adopted an aggressive underground marketing scheme, akin to how local nightclubs advertise on pirate radio stations.

2) BT has an official channel for these sorts of adverts, meaning that somewhere out there, some poor blighter has to approve Kentucky Fried Chicken arrows and see if they meet the laid out stipulations (Is it no longer than 450mm and 50mm in depth?).

Either way, it's grim.

If you lie about the location of your business, it'll fail

Case in point, Central London Group Grill Bar, which is at the end of a residential street, 10 miles away from what could be considered central London:
Have you ever watched The Wire? It looks like a boarded up Baltimore tenement block. Bubbles was probably running it until he rediscovered heroin, or looked at a map.

Royal Taste, Whitechapel

This is where Harry and William end up after a crazy bender down Brick Lane. Whilst dressed as Nazis and getting stoned, obviously.

Stylish headwear for the modern chicken about town.

In an attempt to distract myself from the pointlessness of existence, I have started to analyze the various hats that the cartoon chicken wear on the fascia of chicken shops.

A common theme, often found on a 'Texas Fried Chicken' or indeed a 'Texa', is a cowboy hat.
It is a classic look. It recalls the strength and the values of the myth of the American West. It's also a little camp. Plus, that red splodge this in the middle of hat means that he's the sheriff. Or he splattered ketchup on his hat.
This is another take on the classic look. He's gone for a simple all-white design, topped off with a snappy black band. He knows the score.

Here's our old friend from Royal Taste:He rocks the crown. You know why he rocks the crown? Cause he's the King. Bitch.

And here is the most disturbing one:We've featured Munch Inn before, but awful puns aside, it didn't seem that evil. He's wearing a chef's hat. On the surface, not a bad, what with him being a restaurateur and all. But think about it. He cooks and serves other chickens. He's a MOTHERF*CKING CANNIBAL, for Christ's sake! You might as well just call your joint Hannibal Lecter Fried Chcken! "I'm going to eat your wings with a side of beans and a nice Dr Pepper!"

Dosa Hut: In no way affiliated with Pizza Hut

So, you know all this shizzle about Pizza Hut being rebranded to become Pasta Hut? Do people really want that healthy stuff? More importantly, do Pizza Hut's discerning clientele want that? If it succeeds, is it going to become Veggie Hut?

Which brings us to the purpose of the post. Fig. 1 - The Pizza Hut Logo:Fig 2 - Middlesex vegetarian restaurant Dosa Hut:
Ok it's not the first place to blatantly rip off Pizza Hut. But what I'm really loving is the people this banging joint is bringing in. Check this guy up close:
I'm loving the 90s stylings. Bright blue denim. Stupidly padded jacket. He looks like he could an extra in Short Circuit 2 (Or if you're a total geek like me, drawn by Rob Liefeld).

Takeaways that sound like Israeli Nightclubs 4: New Tastyland!

I'm just shocked at what an awful name this place has. Is it a takeaway curry themed amusement park? Are they opening EuroTastyland soon? Or is it the Game Boy version of Super Tasty World?
It's in Alperton, West London, should you ever want to go. Lime green on bright orange; it's not a good look. And 'New' Tastyland? God, I hate to think what the original Tastyland was like.

Heritage Kebab House doesn't realise retro chic doesn't work in the food industry

Squint hard peeps. This one could have gone down in my list of lessons to learn before naming your takeaway. DON'T MAKE YOUR FOOD SOUND OLD.
Would you eat "vintage chicken"?

The most sexually provocative sandwich shop we've ever seen

Tickle me. Go on, do it. It's how you get the mayo on your minted lamb baguette.

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Pizza.com doesn't actually own pizza.com

See, here's how the internet works. You register a domain name, advertise it online and in the real world, and people visit it. If you call your shop a URL which you clearly don't own, it's not going to help anyone.


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Except of course, the website pizza.com, a rather strange American pizza fan site. I think.

Takeaways named after minerals are probably more crunchy than crispy

Personally, I'd like to think that my kebabs had meat in rather than sedimentary or igneous rocks, or precious stones. Not so much a priority in north London it seems:


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Diamond Kebab? In fairness, it is surprisingly clean. Sparkling almost. More so than the Crystal Charcoal Grill anyway.


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You know that the doner rolls in this place cut the knife rather than the other way round.

Alaska Fried Chicken is the most unexpected KFC rip off yet

I always thought that Delaware would be a daft state to name your chicken shop after, but someone's done one better with Alaska Fried Chicken.
It's not really very southern, is it? Unfortunately, Google doesn't deem Cheadle near Manchester important enough to streetmap yet, so any pictures would be more than welcome.